A Dear John letter but not what you might think...

I'm NOT SURE WHY THIS POST DOESN'T SHOW UP IN THE ARCHIVES SO HERE GOES:

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A Dear John letter but not what you might think...

Dear John, I apologize.  Yesterday I totally lost it, I did and I don't feel good about it.  There you were grilling in your back yard when this crazy woman next door let loose at her poor demented husband in the drive way.  I hope your 4 yr old son wasn't witness as well.  And I want you to know that I have seldom yelled at my husband in anger in all 56 years of marriage...however I do yell sometimes if he has forgotten to put in his hearing aids.

Okay, it seemed like a simple task for my husband to take the potted plants that had been escaping the freeze out of the garage and back to our patio.  He was insisting that it be done NOW even though I was in the midst of cleaning the refrigerator in the kitchen.  Midway through my task I went out the back door to take out a bag of trash.  He was just standing in the garage and it was obvious he didn't know where to start so I grabbed a big pot, shoved it on the dolly and ran it to the back yard.  He still didn't get it so I did it again.  Finally between us we got all the pots delivered into the sunshine.
Now the next step:  I asked him to water the newly delivered pots, he agreed so I walked back in the house.
An hour or so later of cleaning the kitchen, I realize I haven't seen him on the patio.  I go to the driveway and he is standing with the hose in the garage.  The garage floor is covered with water...water all over the floor of the garage irregardless of whatever may have been sitting on the garage floor like the bag of charcoal, the new box of kitty litter, etc.

This is when I lost it and screamed at him, " You just put water all over the f...king garage floor." in my not-so-nice fishwife voice.  Geezus!!  Of course, he was baffled as in his mind he was cleaning out the leaves that had blown in.  Know what happens to a kitty litter box when it gets wet?  I hope you don't find out.

How many times do I need to get this lesson?  ALZHEIMER'S PATIENTS  can't anticipate consequences of their actions.  Not only do they have short-term memory problems but they have difficulty looking down the road to the future.  So I apologized for yelling at him but he didn't remember that I had.  Now there is the joy of short-term memory loss.

So John, please forgive my language.  I would like to think it won't happen again but I have given up making any promises about my future behavior.

Fondly,
The Crazy Old Woman Next Door Who Lives with a Crazier Old Man

Wow! Wings on time

I've been a widow for almost 3 years now and am happy to say I have been moving on.  It's been 3 years since the hip replacement and it works great but the back just kills me at times.  Life is good but change is in the future.  My son is opening an office in Austin and house hunting there so I will be headed there sometime in this year.  I'm looking at apartments for 55+ as I don't need the food service or the housekeeping...just need the socialization of being around people.  I grew up in Austin but don't have any friends left there.  My college roommate had the nerve to die last year...damn!
 
I had a powerful dream the other night.  I was at a high school reunion in a deep conversation with a classmate that grew up in the same neighborhood as me.  He's a cardiologist and shared that he has cancer in late stages.  The dream was so real I woke up filled with angst that it might be true.  I think I must have more anxiety over this potential move than I don't want to acknowledge.

I toured with son and DIL last week a 55+ community on the northeast side of Austin.  It is lovely and right across the street from an HEB but a long way from the neighborhood that the family is hoping to land.  It needs to be close to the airport as my son travels all the time.  We will keep looking.  I can see in the future when I no longer drive that I will be more and more dependent on them and need to be closer so we will keep looking.

Austin real estate is so high that I will have to go into something much smaller than what I have now...I don't need a second bath so a one bedroom plus study is perfect but I will need additional storage for holiday décor and suitcases, etc.  What to do with art work?  It's like getting rid of my children in a way...such a big part of me....drawings, paintings, photographs, etc.  It was so much fun visiting the Austin condo last week and seeing so much of my art on the walls...like my own little gallery.

Anniversaries

Today is April 1, 2019.  As of yesterday I have been a resident of San Antonio for two years.  And yesterday I was feeling down and out and a bit blue until I realized that two years ago last month everything in my life shifted, an earthquake of feelings where all the treasured landmarks of my life went topsy-turvy.  And the loss of everything took over.  My dearest friend, partner in crime and lover of 58 years was gone and I rode away from all things familiar into a new life in a new city comforted only by my son and his family and a friend from childhood.

They say change is good and I'm still working on that one.  Last year I upgraded to a bigger apartment giving me an office and studio and a wonderful balcony with a beautiful view of the Texas hill country.  I hung the hummingbird feeders this week and within twenty minutes I had customers. Again I'm sure one of them is He Who Sleeps a Lot coming back to check on me.  And he ain't sleeping anymore...he's very busy.

Today our facility goes under new management and a name change to Discovery Village at the Dominion and we are all anxiously awaiting improvements.  Discovery Senior Living has years of experience so they should know what works and what doesn't where the previous owners were on a learning curve from the get go.

I've traveled and had some wonderful experiences with friends and family and am looking forward to more this year.  I just returned from Mexico, will go to Colorado next month and to Costa Rica in June.  I have learned in all of this that I am no spring chicken any more and cannot manage long air travel and don't do well at 7000'.  However I have much to look forward to.

My creative self needed a boost and the art retreat in Mexico was just right.  I haven't been painting or writing....is that part of the grief process?  Maybe.  I remember a good friend, fabulous portrait painter, just quit painting when her husband died.  At the time I didn't get it but I do now.  Weird, isn't it?  As an art therapist you would think that would be the first thing I would turn to but I'm relieved the muse has finally reappeared and I'm ready to see where she takes me.

I remember at a conference one time a speaker saying "The best thing you can teach your children is the ability to adjust to change."  He was right!  Change is the constant in our lives and the challenge to growing old with grace and wisdom.

Not so long ago...

Soon it will be the second anniversary of Ken's sudden illness and transformation into the next realm of being.  The memories are still strong but are not as painful.  It is easier now to hear those favorite songs like "Waltz Across Texas" or "Can I Have This Dance for the Rest of my Life" and though they can still bring a tear to my eye or make my chin tremble, the feeling is bearable and brief.  The sages are right...time does heal.
The following may sound weird but this week on the way home with a friend following a meeting of nearly fifty women at a local burger joint, I had this "ah hah" moment.  A realization that I am happy!  Really, really happy for the first time in a very long time.  My life is on track and good beyond my wildest dreams!  My family is all doing great and if there is drama, I'm not involved.  I am in a relationship that is fun and comfortable!  I have projects going that give me the satisfied feeling of giving back to my community and I have some wonderful girl friends.  I am free to come and go as I please and make choices on my behalf.
In the last year I have been to Colorado, to Charleston and Savannah, back to Houston, to Vienna, Germany, Amsterdam along with exploring the Texas hill country with its wineries and glorious sunsets.  Soon I will head south back to San Miguel de Allende, Mexico for an art retreat with my delightful companion;  Mother's Day I will be in Colorado visiting my in-laws and nieces; in June I'm being treated to a week in Costa Rica with family.  I truly have a magical life that I never dreamed of and have to pinch myself to believe it is all real.
All this and I wake up each day with this gorgeous view of the hill country and have so much fun joining in activities here in the retirement community I reside....water aerobics, dinners out, lunches and brunches in.
Now that I am on to up side of the grief process, I am ready to give support to others using my skills as a therapist.  Twice a month I lead a grief support group here;  death occurs regularly here in this community of aging residents.   The loss of spouses and occasionally children seems to strike randomly and all too often around here along with the need for support

I feel I lost a friend....

I feel I have lost a friend who spoke my language...

Yes Mary. Everything Does. And Too Soon. Way Too Soon. (RIP) by Live & Learn Who made the world? Who made the swan, and the black bear? Who made the grasshopper? This grasshopper, I mean- the one who has flung herself out of the grass, the one who is eating sugar out of my hand, who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down- who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes. Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face. Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away. I don't know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? ~ Mary Oliver (Sept 10, 1935 - January 17, 2019), "Summer" In her poem "When Death Comes," Oliver wrote this about the inevitable: "When it's over, I want to say all my life/ I was a bride married to amazement." (Source: NPR - Beloved Poet Mary Oliver, Who Believed Poetry 'Mustn't Be Fancy,' Dies At 83) Photo Credit

Where from here?

Is it time to move on to new horizons and a new blog?  At what point is my journey no longer about recovery but about my life as it goes forward on a different journey?  I am single.  It's a fact!  I no longer reach across the bed to make sure my partner is there or hesitate to turn on the light in the middle of the night.  Going out to dinner with the Watercrest gang this week really drove it home.  I was the only one who was there alone.  A few weeks ago I was the only single woman who went to the baseball game with the group.  That surprised me.  But I survived! 
And I have a lot more to say, I do.  Look at the environment!  the President!  the health care system!  dating!  life among the elderly!  I'm not ready to shut up, that's for sure.  So look out folks, the old lady ain't done yet!  It ain't over til the fat lady sings.

And who is she now?

It's November and finally a bit chilly but rainy here in San Antonio.  September was the rainiest month on record here in the hill country.  So we carry umbrellas while California burns.  So crazy!

So what's the old gal been up to in her recovery?  Well, damn if her eyes still leak like crazy when the guest musician plays "Can I have this dance for the rest of my life" or "Waltz across Texas".  My friends are used to it by now and just hand me a tissue.  Do I want that to go away?  Yes and no....I love those beautiful memories of being held close and moving across the dance floor.  It was one of those things we could do together until the very end.  But I remain hopeful now that I will once again have that experience with someone else.

I have had a few dates that have been a lot of fun and have joined a couple of dating websites. OMG has that ever been an adventure and hilarious at times.  Gee but it is a lot of work to put yourself out there.  Nothing of real interest has shown up so far.  My girlfriends say all these guys lie about their age....really?  Why would anyone lie about being 86 years old?  One guy's picture shows him with an oxygen tube in his nose.  Geezus!  I have this fantasy that Prince Charming is just going to show up at the right time if it is meant to be.  In the meantime I need to get on with my life and get involved.

Life here at Watercrest at the Dominion as improved considerably with the appointment of a new director...some of the growing pains of a brand new community have been resolved though there will always be some.  I now serve on the Advisory Board of the Resident Association as others have stepped up to tackle responsible positions...a big relief.

In the meantime I have moved out of my box into a larger apartment, two bedrooms and two baths so now I have an office/studio to work in and I love it.  The move here was so chaotic... you understand if you have read my earlier writing.  The sudden death of my husband at the edge of our move forced some fast decisions on where to go and what to do.  Not knowing exactly what my financial situation was going to be I chose a smaller one bedroom apartment...it was the right decision at the time but now I am on firmer ground hopefully making better choices and I love the new balcony overlooking the hill country.  Looking back at that difficult time had we not been packed and ready to move, it probably would have been wiser to stay put for at least a couple months to get my feet back under me.with the support of friends as well as family.

In June I was able to go to Loveland to visit my in-laws who moved there and my wonderful nieces and then go on to Boulder to work with my writing coach, Max Regan, for 10 days of a writing retreat...especially fun as several of my writing buddies from Houston were there.  I'm finding editing a lot harder than writing.

Last month I joined 3 girlfriends from here on a river cruise beginning in Slovakia, then Vienna, Germany and ending in Amsterdam.  It was great to get away and visit parts of Europe I had not been to....disappointing in that we were only able to be on the ship for 7 days as the extreme drought has lowered the level of the Danube and Rhine to the point they are not navigable.
So this gypsy soul has been fed, at least for the time being.  A change of scenery does help move the grief to the side and I recommend it.

I always enjoy your comments if you have managed to read through all this.
Thanks....