Breaking past denial

I know it was a dumb question and I knew what the geriatric doc was going to say when I asked it but I had to.  At what point is hubby ready for a memory care unit?  Of course, even you, dear reader, can guess her answer. "When you can't take care of him anymore."  And when and how do I do that? And why did I feel like I was going to burst into tears. I don't know.  The doc wants me back without him for a talk next week.
There are days he drives me nuts with the same questions over and over.  And not being able to follow the simplest directions and work the remote for the TV.  At this point to most anyone else he seems fine, sweet, pleasant and wanting so much to be helpful that he drives some residents on walkers and scooters crazy trying to help.  He can dress himself but it will be in the same clothes he wore the day before if I don't intervene.  I routinely cruise his closet to find his dirty clothes even though the laundry basket sits on the floor of his closet.  He will not brush his teeth unless I tell him to in spite of the reminder I posted on the bathroom mirror.  And he continues to sleep a lot, I mean a lot, like 12 hours if you count the nodding off in his recliner.
        One of the funny/great things he does now is sweep the porch and the walkways.  He will disappear for an hour or so with his red broom.  It is great exercise for him as he comes in sweaty and it has endeared him to our lil' ol' lady neighbors.  It only concerns me that he frequently can't stand up straight after one of his walks.  If I am out of the apartment, he will leave me a cute little note saying "I've gone for a walk."  Sure enough he and the broom are gone.
     Today I had to laugh.  I had an appointment with the eye doctor for a checkup.  I knew it would take a while as I always have to wait while my eyes dilate.  I was thinking I would go alone but my shadow said, "I want to go with you."  Cautioning him that it would be a long wait for him, he still insisted.  "You might be in a wreck or something so I need to go with you."  I said, "What would you do?"  "I don't know but I need to be there."  Sweet man and so he came along.  He hasn't driven a car in 3 years and never carries his cell phone.
      He still loves to go to movies and eat out.  I order for him as he can't remember what he wanted on the menu but we manage.  I choose the movie and he agrees.  And he is willing to sit there through poetry readings and seems to enjoy them.  So I guess we aren't there yet.
       We are still planning to move to San Antonio to be near our son but I'm dreading pulling up roots again.  More loss.  I knew when we moved here that it would be temporary because this community doesn't have continuing care which we will need at some point.  The doc says go now while He-Who-Sleeps-Alot can still get oriented and I know she is right.  Our son says, "Come now while you can choose.  If you wait for a crisis, you may not have what you would like available."  Sooooo....I am looking around at the apartment and deciding what I can get rid of.  I laugh and think "I don't have time to move."
      San Antonio has more retirement communities to choose from than Houston due to the military wanting to retire there.  We have found several we like, none have the space we have here but we can certainly shed some things (I think???).  I insist that our next apartment will have its own washer and dryer and that I can walk to a connected memory care unit.
      So now to unplug from family and friends here and go forward.  Getting old is all about loss I have decided.  One's body can't do what it used to, one doesn't look like one used to, and friends pass away or move away to be near their sons or daughters.  I can't imagine being without family support in this late stage of life.  I'm so grateful for all their support...priceless!

A little TLC goes a long way for a caregiver

Okay, I'm through whining, for now anyway.  Christmas was wonderful!  We were in San Antonio with family and friends.  Next to me is my dear friend, Nancy, and her husband, Robert.  Nancy and I have been friends since first grade and were sorority sisters at UT.  Mexican food is always on the agenda when we get to SA and La Fonda fit the bill.  Nancy had recently had a health crisis but is doing well and Robert has signs of dementia but we still laugh and giggle our way through life.  She is such a lift to my spirits.
This was just one of the highlights of a delightful week with our son, Chris, and his fabulous family in their fabulous house with visits from some of their fun friends.  My daughter-in-law is a wonder!  She cranks out great meals including breakfasts day after day and I really feel pampered!.  They even treated me to a wonderful massage where I walked out like a bowl of jelly but feeling like a Queen.
We toured Santa's Ranch near San Marcos...a wonder of lights with different themes. Pretty amazing and something that He-Who-Sleeps-Alot could really enjoy.  He responds well to music and lights so it was a great excursion.
Once again we toured Incarnate Word Retirement Community, this time to check out their memory care unit and a 2 bedroom apartment.  Then we went on to Brookdale Patriot Heights to do the same.  I loved a 2 bedroom apartment on the 3rd floor but it is smaller than what we have now.  Beautiful view from the balcony and 5 minutes from our son's office.  We really liked the adjacent memory care unit....a small cottage with 10 residents...a real family feeling.  Definitely worth considering.
On Christmas Eve we all went to Oak Hill Church, heard a fine message from Max Lacado, the minister, and some beautiful holiday music and singing.  Then home to a Cox traditional Christmas Eve dinner of homemade tamales and Mexican food.  Our son had found a little house on the way to Boerne that sold delicious homemade tamales of all kinds...the spinach and cheese were delicious as well as the chicken.  We were joined for dinner by another family with 3 children which added to the frivolity.
Lots of treats and surprises on Christmas Day topped off with another delicious dinner.  We gave our granddaughter something that was on her list but I had never heard of...an EcoSphere...fascinating glass globe with a plant and some teensy shrimp.  It will go on independently forever and what fun to watch!!  Her brother called it "a nerd" thing but we all were fascinated.  Then it was off to the movies and then dinner.  Whew!  Just wonderful.
We departed the next day as the family was headed to NYC for New Year's Eve on Times Square.  I came home rested and refreshed.  So grateful for all the love and pampering.
I came down with a cold or something just in time for New Year's.  Had soup bubbling on the stove and the table all set ready for my Artist Way girlfriends dinner when I developed fever and stomach upset and had to cancel.  Bummer!!!!!  Much better now, thank goodness.

But I just have to remember this gorgeous sunset in the Hill Country and be grateful that we are so blessed.  May the New Year bring joy and health and all things good to all our friends and family.

All I want for Christmas...

Christmas is getting near and I know what I want and I'm getting it right now before I get anymore stressed out.  I am delivering to myself this amazing imaginary guy friend.  Every caregiver female should have one.
He looks like Richard Gere, maybe a little taller...I'm 5' 10 1/2".  This incredible man is sensitive to all my wants and needs.  He remembers to take out the trash before 8:00 am after gathering it from all over the house.  Then he wakes me with a steaming cup of coffee with just the right amount of creamer.  He watches sappy movies with me or funny ones like Breaking Bad.  He notices when I have a new outfit or hair color and always tells me how lovely I look.  He asks where I would like to dine if not eating at home and always rinses the dishes and puts them in the dishwasher when eating at home.  He would never put fresh eggs in the pantry but always see that plants are watered.  He often suggests we go to movies or put on some music.  He is always there to rub my feet after a long day and pour me a glass of wine and asks how my day has been.  If not a great one, he doesn't try to fix it..he just listens and gives me a hug.  He remembers birthdays and holidays with awesome gifts that reflect he has been paying attention to me AND he knows what day it is.  He gets himself ready on time and can pick out his own clothes and pack himself for trips.

Whew!  What a guy!  I'm not loaning him out... HE'S MINE!  ALL MINE!  You have to get your own.  This princess is ready to be spoiled and have someone look after her every now and then.  She's a little burned out...can you tell?
Now I have to go.  He's already in bed.  Time for me to say goodnight.  Tomorrow is another day on the Island of Blue Hairs.   The music starts...Someone to watch over me....ta-da.

Honey, you need to get out more....

Last night there was a reading by members of the Women of the Visual and Literary Arts at Archway Gallery.  I was privileged to read along with some other amazing women writers..  It was such a wonderful evening sitting in the midst of such beautiful art work and listening to the stories in prose and poem.  It so uplifted my spirits to see and be seen in this group of smart, wonderful women.  The wine didn't hurt either.  I was first on the program...a new slot for me...and I was glad I had chosen some humorous work which was well received.

And then it was back to the Island of the Blue Hairs.  Eating lunch today in the Dining Room two gentlemen joined our table, both handicapped in different ways.  So as my lunching companions I have Ken who orders shrimp salad everyday ignoring the cocktail sauce and dipping the shrimp in ranch dressing.  He doesn't eat the salad, only the boiled shrimp.  Opposite me is some strange looking guy in a wheel chair who keeps talking about Kennebunkport, Maine making no sense. To my right is a dear sweet young man whose elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor and has just awakened after staying up late playing video games.  I lost my appetite and thought to myself, "How can I keep doing this?"  I realized how tired I am of being surrounded by old people, granted some are amazing and wonderful, but I am tired of walking around walkers and canes and motorized chairs and listening to talk of doctors from people who can't hear or speak so softly they can't be heard  and then it's the weather and gossip about who died and why.

Okay, I'm whining but I am giving myself permission to whine, right here, up front, in view of the world with no shame.  It doesn't help that my best friend of 45 years who is one of the reasons we moved here is moving to California to go into assisted living near her daughter.  It is the right thing for her and I support her but I am so going to miss her and am grieving the woman she was before Parkinson's, diabetes and vertebrae that keep her in pain.  And I'm missing the life-long partner that is caught up in this terrible disease called Alzheimer's...lonely but never alone, the motto of caregivers.

And damn it, I am missing my own washer and dryer!  This laundry room business just sucks!

Okay...so there, the loss is here and better to look it in the face while planning some really great times off the Island and get back to journaling.  You can do it, girl!  Chin up!  I know I will be one of them one day but Pollyanna, it's okay to have a down day every now and then.

The keys...again

This morning in the other room I hear an excited conversation between Ken and our wonderful housekeeper, Francesca, who speaks limited English.  He is trying to explain something about our dining room table to her.  In frustration she calls her supervisor to translate.  At this point I enter the room to try to straighten out the confusion.  Francesca continues cleaning the kitchen while Ken is trying to explain to her boss what he wants.  I can tell she is equally confused and bless her heart, just listens and finally says, "Thank you."  Ken is smiling and satisfied.  I ask him what that was about.  He talks about his  keys and points to our dining table while I try to figure out what he's talking about.  He then says, "Yesterday and we got them back to the woman."

Ahhh...yesterday we ate lunch in the dining room with a friend.  Later we met up with her in the grocery store and she asked if Ken had picked up her keys.  He pulls a set of keys out of his pocket which were the set to our apartment.  The friend shakes her head and goes on her way.  Later I ask again for him to check his pockets and he pulls out a set of keys...HER keys this time.  I grabbed them and managed to catch up with her and returned her keys to much relief on her part.  Ken had picked up both sets in the Brookdale dining room after lunch.  I explain to him that that incident didn't happen in our apartment but in the big Dining Room.  He keeps pointing to our dining table and I repeat that it didn't happen in our apartment.  He finally accepts it as, hopefully, some memory of yesterday creeps in.

Two weeks ago he lost his house keys (which includes a clicker to open the security gates) somewhere between our apartment and the dining room.  We checked everywhere with no luck.  He had already lost the identifying card on them so if found, there was no way they could be identified as his.  So I went to the hardware store and got him new keys, bought a new $50 clicker and a new ID card.  Still no mail box key but he never used it anyway.  So someone around here has themselves an additional clicker and some useless keys.

I have asked him if he would wear the keys around his neck like a lanyard but he's not enthusiastic.  I may try it anyway.  That way he would not have to lay them down anywhere.  Hummmm...suggestions anyone?

A trip to Shang-gri-La

Where does the time go?  This morning an hour was taken up just sorting out two weeks of medications, supplements and vitamins into our pill boxes.  Ken has been suffering with a cold or sinus infection for several days so I have increased the vit C.  He is better today and we plan to go on a Brookdale lunch outing.

Yesterday we drove to our previous dentist office about an hour away in Clear Lake for check-up.  Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching later I see I have come up short in the care-taking.  I have been taking for granted that when Ken went into shower or get ready for bed he was also brushing his teeth.  Wrong!  So more trips to the dentist and another care taking job for me...supervising his tooth brushing.  The dentist wants him to use a Water Pic but I don't think he can manage it by himself...I can see water flying all over the bathroom but what the hell!  As long as he doesn't slip and fall, right?  Our dentist and staff are so good with Ken but I hate the drive so I may take his treatment plan to the dentist out our front gate and see what she charges.

Last week was busy and fun!  Wednesday I drove to Clear Lake without Ken to go shopping with our oldest granddaughter.  She needed some stuff for departing Monday for boot camp with the National Guard and it was just delightful to spend the day and lunch with her...just the two of us.  She needed 3 black sports bras with no logo on them...we looked everywhere and all had a logo.  She called her recruiter who agreed she could take a black marker to the logos.  Mission accomplished.
Thursday it was back to Clear Lake to take Ken to the NASA Alumnae Luncheon where he got to get reacquainted with old friends.  I was so thrilled with the warm welcome he was given.  He needed to know he's been missed and I hope now that we are connected we can attend again.  It's affirming that everyone else has gotten old, too.

Friday was my day.  Dear friends of many years, Ann and Dennis Webb, were in town and picked us up for a trip to the MFAH to see the Rothko exhibit....so beautiful and exciting to see his earlier works.  Rothko so knows color and how to use it.  His earlier works are much more cheerful than his work in the Rothko Chapel.  We lunched at the Museum, saw the show and went back to the cafe for some more conversation over coffee.  It was such a glorious afternoon to be off of the Island of Blue Hairs talking art and politics.  Dennis's father had Alzheimer's so he knows just how to engage Ken much better than I can.  Dennis retired from NASA and gave us a copy of his latest book on Astronomy.  Ann and I have been artist buddies for many years and she is an Artist Way Sister...our group has been "together" for almost 20 years now.  I say "together" as often as we can get everyone in town at the same time. I so value our time together...an amazing group of women artists and writers.

And Saturday I had another wonderful day for just me.  A writing workshop with Max Marvelous Regon, my writing coach from Colorado at Spectrum Center.  All afternoon we discussed "Writing the Dangerous Memoir"....what are we afraid of in putting our our truth as we experienced it.  I have this idea of maybe at some point putting together this blog and the poetry I've written together in book form.

At 5:30 Tuesday morning I was awakened with Ken turning on all the lights.  He was up and in the bathroom.  Soon he came out and started dressing.  I asked what he was doing.  "I'm getting ready to go."  "Where?  We're not going anywhere today.  It is dark outside and 6:00 am.  Go to bed."  And so it goes.  I can't imagine what it must be like to be in his world...trying always to be on top of things while not being able to find words to express what he wants at times, getting confused about where we are and why.  The journey goes on.

How does one measure progress in this awful disease?

When you live with someone with Alzheimer's day in and day out, you accept that there will be good days and bad days.  This disease progresses so slowly sometimes it's like watching paint dry but then comes a day when there is a marker.  Hubby (aka He-Who) doesn't say much in groups or around other people anymore.   He's quiet and seems to be paying attention but I don't know for sure.  Today he nodded off during church.

I have grown to accept the obsession with the 3 newspapers we take but today I was so looking forward to browsing through the NY Times Sunday edition, especially the book section and the magazine.  Dang, I didn't get to it before going to church and was out of pocket for a few minutes on our return.  I came into the dining room and the NY Times was either shredded, cut up or taken apart and thrown away.  I lost it for a bit, for sure, and I hate it when I do but this obsession with cutting up the newspaper is crazy-making at times.  I have left notes on the table on what to save but it doesn't do any good.

This week one of my dear friends, Lucia Capacchione, author of 17 books, was in town to promote her latest book, a new edition of The Creative Journal, which she wrote 35 years ago.  Lucia and I have been friends for many years after I attended one of her workshops in Houston and some of my drawings are included in her book, The Recovery of the Inner Child.  We spent 3 weeks traveling Italy together with her mom and aunt and she and her Italian boyfriend spent several nights with us in Houston while she was doing a workshop at UH/CL.  She lives in California so we don't see each other often but it is always wonderful when we do.

We met her at her book signing at Lucia's Garden and He-Who was a total blank on who she was.  He didn't remember anything about her or the boyfriend or the dinners we had together.  We were both surprised but I count it as a new marker...the long term memory is fading!  Strangely enough the next day he asked me who that lady was that we met the day before and how do I know her...short term memory was there.  Of course, he asked again later the same question....so much for memory.  Onward through the fog.

At lunch the other day we sat with a pleasant gentlemen with whom we have enjoyed conversations before.  The dessert was a delicious bread pudding.  We both sat in amazement as hubby dipped his bread pudding in his broccoli soup.  New behavior!  I moved the soup out of range in hopes he would finish the pudding.  He didn't!

Damn but this is a confusing, unpredictable illness.