Anniversaries

Today is April 1, 2019.  As of yesterday I have been a resident of San Antonio for two years.  And yesterday I was feeling down and out and a bit blue until I realized that two years ago last month everything in my life shifted, an earthquake of feelings where all the treasured landmarks of my life went topsy-turvy.  And the loss of everything took over.  My dearest friend, partner in crime and lover of 58 years was gone and I rode away from all things familiar into a new life in a new city comforted only by my son and his family and a friend from childhood.

They say change is good and I'm still working on that one.  Last year I upgraded to a bigger apartment giving me an office and studio and a wonderful balcony with a beautiful view of the Texas hill country.  I hung the hummingbird feeders this week and within twenty minutes I had customers. Again I'm sure one of them is He Who Sleeps a Lot coming back to check on me.  And he ain't sleeping anymore...he's very busy.

Today our facility goes under new management and a name change to Discovery Village at the Dominion and we are all anxiously awaiting improvements.  Discovery Senior Living has years of experience so they should know what works and what doesn't where the previous owners were on a learning curve from the get go.

I've traveled and had some wonderful experiences with friends and family and am looking forward to more this year.  I just returned from Mexico, will go to Colorado next month and to Costa Rica in June.  I have learned in all of this that I am no spring chicken any more and cannot manage long air travel and don't do well at 7000'.  However I have much to look forward to.

My creative self needed a boost and the art retreat in Mexico was just right.  I haven't been painting or writing....is that part of the grief process?  Maybe.  I remember a good friend, fabulous portrait painter, just quit painting when her husband died.  At the time I didn't get it but I do now.  Weird, isn't it?  As an art therapist you would think that would be the first thing I would turn to but I'm relieved the muse has finally reappeared and I'm ready to see where she takes me.

I remember at a conference one time a speaker saying "The best thing you can teach your children is the ability to adjust to change."  He was right!  Change is the constant in our lives and the challenge to growing old with grace and wisdom.

Not so long ago...

Soon it will be the second anniversary of Ken's sudden illness and transformation into the next realm of being.  The memories are still strong but are not as painful.  It is easier now to hear those favorite songs like "Waltz Across Texas" or "Can I Have This Dance for the Rest of my Life" and though they can still bring a tear to my eye or make my chin tremble, the feeling is bearable and brief.  The sages are right...time does heal.
The following may sound weird but this week on the way home with a friend following a meeting of nearly fifty women at a local burger joint, I had this "ah hah" moment.  A realization that I am happy!  Really, really happy for the first time in a very long time.  My life is on track and good beyond my wildest dreams!  My family is all doing great and if there is drama, I'm not involved.  I am in a relationship that is fun and comfortable!  I have projects going that give me the satisfied feeling of giving back to my community and I have some wonderful girl friends.  I am free to come and go as I please and make choices on my behalf.
In the last year I have been to Colorado, to Charleston and Savannah, back to Houston, to Vienna, Germany, Amsterdam along with exploring the Texas hill country with its wineries and glorious sunsets.  Soon I will head south back to San Miguel de Allende, Mexico for an art retreat with my delightful companion;  Mother's Day I will be in Colorado visiting my in-laws and nieces; in June I'm being treated to a week in Costa Rica with family.  I truly have a magical life that I never dreamed of and have to pinch myself to believe it is all real.
All this and I wake up each day with this gorgeous view of the hill country and have so much fun joining in activities here in the retirement community I reside....water aerobics, dinners out, lunches and brunches in.
Now that I am on to up side of the grief process, I am ready to give support to others using my skills as a therapist.  Twice a month I lead a grief support group here;  death occurs regularly here in this community of aging residents.   The loss of spouses and occasionally children seems to strike randomly and all too often around here along with the need for support

I feel I lost a friend....

I feel I have lost a friend who spoke my language...

Yes Mary. Everything Does. And Too Soon. Way Too Soon. (RIP) by Live & Learn Who made the world? Who made the swan, and the black bear? Who made the grasshopper? This grasshopper, I mean- the one who has flung herself out of the grass, the one who is eating sugar out of my hand, who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down- who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes. Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face. Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away. I don't know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? ~ Mary Oliver (Sept 10, 1935 - January 17, 2019), "Summer" In her poem "When Death Comes," Oliver wrote this about the inevitable: "When it's over, I want to say all my life/ I was a bride married to amazement." (Source: NPR - Beloved Poet Mary Oliver, Who Believed Poetry 'Mustn't Be Fancy,' Dies At 83) Photo Credit